“What am I supposed to do?” This is often the question of parents when their child struggles with challenging emotions and behaviors, including anger, arguing, refusing to listen, or having an emotional outburst.
Behind every behavior is a feeling. And behind that feeling is a need.
— Pam Leo
We often hear that children need structure and that parents need to prepare them for a difficult world. But this is not all they need; children also need to feel loved, supported, and understood. Our goal is not simply to stop behavior. The bigger goal is to help children learn healthier ways to manage emotions, solve problems, communicate, and make better choices. To do that, children need boundaries and structure, but most importantly, they need connection.
Understanding Behavior
Children do not always have the words to explain what they are experiencing, so their behavior says it for them. This is why we have to understand what is happening underneath the behavior.
Have you ever seen a child who becomes extremely angry over what seems like a small problem? Could they be overwhelmed? What about a child who refuses to complete a task? Could they be frustrated, anxious, distracted, or afraid of failing? Trying to reason with a child who is already emotionally overwhelmed can sometimes make the situation worse. At that point, they cannot understand how to regulate or even the consequences of their actions.
The first step is helping the child calm down. That might mean lowering your voice, giving them space, sitting nearby, or simply letting them know, “I can see that you’re really upset. We’re going to work through this.” Connecting first does not mean giving in. It does not mean there are no consequences.
It means you are helping the child become emotionally ready to learn from the situation. Discipline is a strong word that can easily be thought of only as punishment. However, teaching is just as important because consequences do not teach replacement skills.
So how do we do this?
It is much easier to practice a new skill when a child is calm. If you want your child to take a break when angry, practice taking a break when they are having a good day. If you want them to use respectful words when frustrated, practice what those words sound like before the next argument happens.
Have you ever seen a child who becomes extremely angry over what seems like a small problem? Could they be overwhelmed? What about a child who refuses to complete a task? Could they be frustrated, anxious, distracted, or afraid of failing?
Children who struggle with emotions and behavior often do better when life feels predictable.
Try to keep expectations simple and clear.
If you say there will be a consequence, make sure it is something you can realistically follow through with. Let’s avoid creating extreme consequences in the middle of anger that will be difficult to maintain later and lead to a power struggle.
“But why?” “That’s not fair!” “I didn’t do anything!”
20 minutes later, realized you are no longer even talking about the original problem? Parents do not have to attend every argument they are invited to. One of the best times to build a relationship with your child is when there is no problem to solve. Children need to experience their parents as more than the people who give directions, correct behavior, and provide consequences. Play a game together. Take a walk. Cook something. Talk in the car. Watch a favorite show. Eat a meal together. Spend a few minutes one-on-one.
Being connected does not mean being permissive.
Being firm does not mean being harsh.
Children need parents who can say, “I love you; I understand that you’re upset, and this behavior is still not okay.” That may be one of the most important messages we can give a child.
Connection gives children a sense of safety. Structure gives them a sense of predictability. Teaching gives them the skills to eventually manage their emotions and behavior.